


I know we’ll make it out of this one alive

by toadreadytoparty (orphan_account)



Category: Tiny Meat Gang (Band)
Genre: Coming Out, Gen, Gender Dysphoria, Hurt/Comfort, Trans Female Character
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-10-01
Updated: 2019-10-01
Packaged: 2020-11-08 17:17:35
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,109
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20839166
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/toadreadytoparty
Summary: “What if I’m a girl?”





	I know we’ll make it out of this one alive

**Author's Note:**

> In this house, we love and respect trans women.

“I’m trans.”

To be honest, of all the possibilities that flashed through Noel’s head when Cody sat him down for a serious conversation, this was not one of them. 

“I know it’s probably pretty shocking to hear from me. But I’ve been thinking about this for awhile now, and I can’t ignore it anymore.”

Was this a joke? A prank? But when Noel looked at his friend, there was nothing but sincere anxiety, anticipation for Noel’s response. What was he supposed to say? 

“So like, you’re a girl?”

“Yeah.”

—

The makeup videos take her back to being a kid, her sister doing her makeup for practice and giggles, pretending to fight it but always letting it happen in the end. “I’m such a good brother,” she would say, making a big show of how much she hated it, an instinct that carries over into adulthood.

“I’m not going to be able to wash it off and she’s going to be able to tell,” and she was right, but there was something about the leftover makeup accentuating her lash line, the subtle darkening from the smears she couldn’t quite get off. It sparked something, a mixture of confidence and self-loathing swirling around her stomach. She ignores it, chalking it up to anxiety over what her date is going to think.

But if Kelsey notices, she doesn’t say anything, and a year later she’s giving Cody the same treatment, more feminine this time around. “Oh god, I look so pretty. I don’t even recognize myself,” and she really doesn’t; she sees something so much better than the man she’s used to seeing. She ignores that too. 

—

“I gotta be honest man,” oh fuck, should he have said that? “I thought you were going to tell me you were gay or trying to quit TMG or something. I never would have expected this.”

“Well, I am also bi,” and Cody gives a half-hearted smile, the first one Noel’s seen today.

“Okay, okay, one thing at a time, I’m still processing over here.” Noel’s tone is playful, hoping to bring some humor into the situation. “What do you want me to call you? You changing your name? Decided to become Codel?”

Cody laughs. “Feminine pronouns, but I think I’m going to keep Cody. It’ll be hard enough transitioning in the public eye, I can’t handle a name change too. And Cody’s kind of cute for a girl.”

Fuck, Noel hadn’t even thought about their audience. 

“Okay, so how are you going to go public?”

Cody starts fidgeting with a hole in her jeans. “I don’t know, honestly. I haven’t made a plan. I figured since we’re business partners, it would make sense to plan it with you.” She pauses, then sniffles, her face scrunching up. “I’m sorry. I know this is selfish. This could really fuck everything up, I’m taking you down with me all because I couldn’t just—”

“Hey, hey, hey, none of that. Fuck everyone else. None of that is more important than your happiness.”

“But this is our livelihood here. Do you know how hard this is going to be?”

“It doesn’t matter, even if we lose everything. I’ll be right here with you. You’re my friend, and I’m not going pretend to understand any of this, but I’m sure as hell going to support you through it.”

—

It’s a lot easier to be unaware, to just be the person you’re supposed to be. 

Maybe her parents would have accepted her. They were loving, supportive, she’s sure things could have been different if they knew. If she knew.

But she grew up with blue clothes and toy cars, and they were fine. It’s what boys do, what she’s supposed to do, and she never feels jealous while her sister is shopping for clothes, and she doesn’t want a Barbie doll, and she only watched Sailor Moon because _there’s nothing else on and I’m waiting for the next show._

It’s fine, she likes sports, she likes girls, she wants to be athletic just like her dad. Being a boy is easy. It’s fine. (_Sure, girls can do those things too, but it doesn’t matter because she’s a boy._)

—

“We have some time to figure it out. With hormones, people probably won’t start noticing for a few months.”

“Oh, yeah.” Noel should have known, seemed pretty obvious, but the reality of the situation was still sinking in. “When are you doing that?”

“I actually got my prescription yesterday.”

“Oh. Wow.” Cody must have been planning this for months. Years? “How long have you known?” _How long have you known without telling me?_

“Uh. I think I really started thinking about it a year ago.” She’s looking down at her lap, picking at a spot on her finger. “I was pretty deeply in denial. It’s been hard to work through. Still is.”

—

She tries to open up a bit, buys sparkly shoes, paints her nails, experiments with makeup in the privacy of her bathroom. It feels nice (it feels so nice) but it doesn’t quite scratch the itch.

She spends countless nights doing Google searches in incognito tabs.

Cody’s looking at herself in the mirror, at the babydoll Kelsey told her she would look _so fucking cute in_. And she really does; the way the lace covers her chest, and the fabric flowing out almost gives her the illusion of curves, just barely allows the matching panties underneath to peak through. It feels like home, like something she didn’t know she’s been wanting all her life. 

She wants to cry, just a little bit. 

“Hey, Kelsey. What if I’m a girl?”

—

“Do you really want to wait longer to come out?”

“Part of me doesn’t want to come out at all. I wish I stayed in denial. Wish I could go back to being normal.” She runs her hands through her hair. “I can’t wait for the internet to tell me what a mentally ill freak I am.”

“Hey, plenty of people will support you.”

“Have you ever looked at the comments of a trans woman’s videos?”

“Yeah, but there’s trolls everywhere—”

“Yeah and I’m making myself a fucking target for them!”

Noel sighs; he really doesn’t have any arguments. “I’m sorry. I know it’s going to be hard. I know there’s lots of shitheads out there. Hell, I used to be one. But they’re not worth your attention.”

Cody is crying now; he can see the tears falling off her face.

“The support is going to drown all of that out.”

“What if it doesn’t?”

“Well, we’ll figure it out then.” Noel reaches over, grabs Cody’s hand. “We’re gonna get through this.”

**Author's Note:**

> Title from “Revolution Lover” by Left at London


End file.
